By Kyle Boris
Everyone knows the best thing about Christmas isn’t the presents. It’s not the decorations, the lights, Santa Clause and it’s not even spending time with our families. Okay, spending time with families is probably top two.
But, number one! The number one best thing about Christmas is of course the music. The songs that have been made over the years turn into classics and for the months and days leading into Christmas you can find yourself blasting your favorite holiday tunes and singing along with holiday cheer.
These songs have been etched into our brains forever and I personally will always be a fan and continue to pretend I can hit all of the same notes as Mariah Carey. The only problem is that recently I became an adult and I found myself listening more closely to the lyrics of popular Christmas songs and to my surprise sometimes the truth about Christmas songs is a tough pill to swallow.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Ah, Rudolph, or as I like to call him, the Lebron James of reindeer. You see, Lebron didn’t always surround himself with the best teammates. When he first started playing in the NBA, he took a bunch of average players to the NBA Finals. It wasn’t until he left them that he really blossomed. I argue that Rudolph should do the same and leave his current group of “friends” so he can reach his full potential.
“All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games”
BULLIES! So this kid was different and had a red nose and these “cool kids” Dasher and Dasher thought it was fine to poke fun at him? Lowkey, the other reindeer were a bunch of jerks.
“Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say, ‘Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?’ Then how the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee”
Nah, Rudolph you don’t need no fake friends. They only loved you after you had something they needed.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
This is a fun song, right? WRONG! This song is about a child who thinks they just saw their mother having an affair with their beloved hero, Santa.
“I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night. She didn’t see me creep down the stairs to have a peep”
What could be running through this child’s head? Does he or she think their mother is kissing Santa to thank him for the presents? Does Santa deliver more presents to their house because she kisses Santa? This kid is a mess.
All I Want For Christmas is You
Thought this one was safe, didn’t you? NOPE!
It is true that this song is probably the most popular Christmas song out there, but I can’t help but get annoyed that Mariah can’t make up her mind.
“I won’t make a list and send it to the North Pole for Saint Nick”
“Santa, won’t you bring me the one I really need?”
Do you want Santa’s help or not? There’s plenty of people out there that Saint Nick has to adhere to and that’s why he requires lists to keep things in check. You said you weren’t going to make a list, but then later on you ask for him help. That’s not how Christmas works Ms. Carey.
Santa Clause Is Comin’ To Town
This classic has been covered hundreds of times, most notably by Bruce Springsteen. It’s a fun song to sing and exemplifies the rules of Christmas; behave because Santa is coming and you don’t want to end up on the naughty list. If only it were that simple.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake”
Get outta my room, weirdo. It amazes me that Santa has the audacity to just watch me sleep in what I thought was the comfort of my own room.
Baby, It’s Cold Outside
The man in this song really can’t catch a hint. Dude, she wants to go home and you wont quit it.
Woman: “I ought to say no, no, no, sir
Man: “Mind if I move in closer”
Woman: “At least I’m gonna say that I tried”
Man: “What’s the sense of hurting my pride”
Really? You’re going to play that card. Pity isn’t going to work, pal.
Man: “Think of my life long sorrow if you caught pneumonia and died”
It’s not all about you! If she wants to take a risk in the cold weather she shouldn’t have to tell you 30 times.
Me: She seems set on going home. I should just give up.
Inner Me: But baby, it’s cold outside.
I won’t even get into the fact that this entire song sounds extremely sexual and is basically some woman teasing Santa. Let’s just take a look at this woman’s wishes.
“Santa baby, I wanna yacht”
Last time I checked, Santa wasn’t placing yachts under the tree so girl you need to cut it. I’d enjoy a yacht too, but I’m going to be less selfish and shoot for some smaller requests like some student loan payments.
Don’t even get me started.
Kyle Boris is the co-founder of YourSitch.com